It’s occurred to me multiple times lately that people really like to talk about how much they hate wearing pants. This is one of the biggest lies people like to tell. I mean, I like to tell a good lie here and there, don’t get me wrong, but this one—this one is just stupid. If you’re going to lie, make it worth it. For instance, the time I ran into the garage door because I was sixteen and an idiot, the garage door opener malfunctioned. After ensuring that the car made it out unscathed from the incident and a day of selling shoes, I returned home to find my dad outside working on the very same garage door that had closed on the car earlier in the day. The minute I stepped out of the car, Dad asked me if I was okay because “the garage door is barely hanging on!” I looked at him with a very blank face and lied. “WHOA! I wonder how that happened! It’s a miracle I am still alive!” That was a lie worth telling.
This pants thing? Not a lie worth telling. And annoying. SO ANNOYING. Maybe it is only me who is annoyed by it.
If everyone hates pants so much, then why isn’t anyone running around in their underwear? That’s what I really want to know. Now, there’s that whole debate on leggings and whether or not they count as pants, and I’m just going to say they do. In fact, I’m going to say that if your butt and legs are covered mostly, then you have pants on. I guess if your underwear are of the bloomer variety, then this may not apply to you; however, being that bloomers aren’t really a thing anymore, I believe it is reasonable to define pants by coverage of the butt and legs. While I do sometimes see people’s underwear while out and about in the world, it is generally because 1. Their pants are a bit too tight and they have unfortunately worn the wrong color of underwear with their tight pants or 2. Their pants are falling down. I never see people's underwear because of a lack of pants.
I'm sorry, but I just cannot believe you when you say you hate pants. Sure, there are probably pants haters out there for real. BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT EVEN 85% OF YOU PEOPLE WHINING ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU HATE PANTS ARE RUNNING AROUND WITHOUT THEM WHEN YOU’RE AT HOME. Why, do you ask? Stay with me here.
I sleep in shorts. When I get up for the day, whether I am planning on leaving the house or slobbing around on the couch all day, I PUT ON PANTS. Because it’s cold. Or because I haven’t shaved my legs in six weeks. Or because I’m going to play with a dog. OR BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO DUE TO THE FACT THAT RUNNING AROUND PANTS-LESS IS NOT COMFORTABLE. Skin sticks to things, and things stick to skin. Skin is not fun when it is stuck to a chair, when dog hairs are sticking to it, or when it attracts all the stray lint from the lint trap on your dryer.
It is occurring to me now that my argument here is thin. Overall, I am just annoyed by people saying they hate pants to be cool. KNOW WHAT'S COOL? WEARING YOUR PANTS. As is devoting a bunch of time to writing about how stupid this is....right? :D
Will this matter when I'm dead? I'm just gonna go ahead and say "no." Internet, I bet you are glad I am adding some more random garbage to you. You're welcome.