I've been battling sadness and anger a lot this week, and I am ready to be done with that. I don't have time to be sad and angry, for one thing, and I don't enjoy being that either. I have a very very difficult time dealing with situations that are out of my control, so it has taken a few days to get up and straighten my tie and move forward. But you know, a few days of wallowing a bit are what I needed. I came home today after much high school drama, fell asleep in our backyard while reading a book on a towel, went inside when I woke up and watched a movie, and just kind of lazed around this afternoon. And you know, it felt good. The most recent crappy life event stopped plaguing all my thoughts about halfway through today after I made a phone call that I really needed to make for my sanity. I didn't hear anything I really wanted to hear, but I got it over with and feel better.
I haven't tackled writing about student teaching still. It wrapped up now three weeks ago. It was probably one of the most powerful experiences I have EVER had in my entire life. I miss those kids so much. Remember that attachment issue with naming things? Well, these were kids. And I loved them dearly. I don't always find it easy to tell people I care about them, but something about my students makes it so easy to say how proud I am and how much I care about them to their faces. I will never, ever be able to forget this group of kids. They really made marks on my heart, and I am so very thankful and blessed to have had a few months as their teacher. They taught me as much as I taught them, if not more. They fully confirmed that teaching is what I want to do more than anything, that I am totally meant to be in this position, but that realization scares the crap out of me because I fear I am not going to get the chance to do it. So far, 30 something applications in, and only one phone screening and one interview--neither of which I passed into the second stage. I don't know how much more clear I can be in saying that I want to teach your students. I'll pour my heart and soul into the job, if only someone will let me do it. I have some of the kids I just finished with still emailing me. They gave me parting gifts and just totally knocked me off my feet with those--I hadn't expected anything. I didn't realize they were as attached to me as I was to them. I cried in front of the first class that gave me things that day--it was shocking and humbling and hard. I don't like saying goodbye to those I care for. Those cards and letters and poems that no one told them to write mean the world to me. I know I'm supposed to do this, I just don't want to wait one or two years to do it. I want to do it in the fall immediately. I want to hurry up and get going with a career. I know I'll be given whatever it is that I am supposed to get, but dang, it'd be nice to get something NOW so I can relax for the first time in over a year. Alas, nothing in my life ever ever ever comes easily, so I am prepping to be knocked down probably a few more times in addition to the big blow I am still picking myself up from this week. I am scared that I will be stuck doing something else...and that worries me. I don't know how I'll handle that now--I never had something I wanted to do 100% as a job. Now that I do, every application feels as if it's a fight for what will make my life meaningful. And I'm losing, unfortunately, so far. I'm okay with that for now. I need a break to write and watch tv and play with the dogs and spend time with my husband and family and friends. I need that for sure. But I also need to be able to push my life forward because I have felt like it has been stalled for the past 8 years...and I am just ready for it to move.
I guess what will matter when I'm dead is that I did get to touch some kids' lives--even if I never get to teach the way I want to again. It will matter not that I get knocked down over and over and over again, but it will matter that I keep getting back up to face this fight for what I want.