1. Former child self, would you believe I married THE Mike? (Yeah, we called my husband in high school THE Mike. He was a new hot kid ex-homeschooler we met right before we were freshmen.) I bet you would not. But I did. I married THE Mike. I married one of the popular people. Lemme tell ya, it's not all it's cracked up to be. ;) JK. I lovers him. He's not as cool as we thought he was. Or MAYBE I am WAY cooler than we thought I was. (It's the first option. Definitely. )
3. At age 18, I would have been ecstatic to hear that I did, in fact, manage to weigh over 100 pounds and never fell below it again. Ever. Former self, I remember the pain of being called skinny and anorexic very, very well. But let me tell you that it is JUST as difficult to lose weight as it was for you to gain it then. Former self, your metabolism went away and life got sad. See next item.
4. At age 18, I would have been horrified (and secretly kind of impressed) to find out that I ran a lot for NINE straight years as a way to maintain my weight. I would have been shocked to hear that as a result of that running, I even got ballsy enough to go to the gym and became a regular gym dweller. And I would have been appalled--completely appalled--at my diet which no longer regularly includes: chips, candy, ice cream, cookies, things in boxes, bread, dairy, or cereal. Popcorn is all that has stayed.
7. Speaking of children, former self, I am 29 years old and I have none. This is just a litttttttle different from what I had assumed my life would be like at this time. I'm pretty sure I thought I'd be married right out of college (not quite) and then have two kids by the time I was 26 (there are 0 kids). I don't think I'd be upset, but I think I'd have been surprised.
8. The delay on those kids? I went to school for NINE years after I graduated from high school. NINE. YEARS. This, this I would have horrified me. During my senior year of high school, I was really sick of school and had no intentions of getting an education past college. The joke was on me, here. Nice one, life. I continued that education TWICE after I graduated from undergrad. Maybe all those shmoozy fake admissions essays I wrote about how much I valued my education weren't so fake after all, former self. Also, on the kid thing, THE Mike and I are really enjoying our lives responsibility-free with the exception of cats and dogs.
11. Speaking of that crazy group of grad school friends, you'd be shocked to learn, former self, that while you didn't do too hot at finding a social circle in undergrad, you made quite the fantastic group of friends in grad school--ones you didn't expect to keep after graduation, but you got really lucky and kept nearly all of them, and they are now some of your most treasured people.
12. YOU WROTE THE BOOK! You didn't even think you'd ever do it, did you? You did. Going to grad school the first time was one of the best decisions on a whim that you ever made for yourself. You'd be so excited to know that not only did you write that first book, you're actually working to try and find an agent who will help you get it published right now (after trying once before and another round of revision)!
14. Former child self, remember that international roommate that the college gave you near the end of the summer before you started at Wooster, the one you got because you lied about being neat and organized and quiet all the time on your housing form? You'd be relieved to know that she turned out to be one of the people nearest and dearest to your heart. And that she also lied on her housing form. And the two of you lived together for three years in the midst of piles and piles of papers and general chaos. She was your maid of honor at your wedding.
Former self, you would be SO PROUD of yourself, though, because this beautiful, color-coordinated living room that cannot be seen here in quite all of its full glory, is YOUR doing. YOU got the color combinations right for once in your life through much painful trial and error and painting. All those poorly-executed art projects and strangely-colored posters were not completed in vain. It took all of your life, but you got the color thing down finally. At least, when it comes to walls, flooring, and home decor. You'd be impressed to know that you and THE Mike actually renovated your entire house together (PS YOU OWN A HOUSE!). And your mom tells you two pretty cool things (PS You're totally friends with your parents--I KNOW). The first was that she loves what you did with the house. The second is that she's impressed you and THE Mike have (nearlyminusafewminorthingsnow) completed the whole house reno without murdering each other.
21. Just for the heck of it, let's circle back to that first photo up there. Former self, you may not have learned how to deal with coordinating outfits properly if they do not include jeans and t-shirts, but you DID, in fact, learn how to do your eyebrows. Don't do that ever again up there.
Will all this matter when I'm dead? Sure? Maybe? Yes? I guess? Sorry if you were bored by this. SORRYNOTSORRY.