I'm in a bad mood. I try not to come here when I'm in a bad mood, but I need to write, so here I am. The main reason I am in a bad mood is writing, too. What do ya know. Some days, I think how much I love writing. I think how insane I am for having all these characters and voices in my head with lives that are very real to me., just waiting to be written down and have life breathed into them. I think about how I live so much of my life in my own head that, well, it probably isn't all that healthy. Today, however, I am irritated. Because last night, about 50 pages into this first draft of my second manuscript, I realized I've been dragging through it. Slogging through it. And I want to write this second manuscript like I wrote the first--on fire. Maybe that's not realistic, I mean, what do I know since I have 1. no books published and 2. only one manuscript. Then again, I've written a ton of things--and published or not, I tend to think I know a little bit about writing. I do write for a living currently, and I do have a few degrees in it. Unfortunately, none of those things seem to be assisting me in pushing through this lull. Here's the thing: the characters died. Not literally--I didn't kill them in the story, you know, because I need them for the whole book, but they are bored or something. Or I'm just bored. For whatever reason, they're not moving.
I guess some of the trouble is that I am having some major self-doubt right now because my first manuscript is in the hands of an agent for maybe another few weeks. And some days I have a little hope, but most days I am very impatient and relatively certain it will be rejected. I haven't heard back at all from half of the agents I queried, and I am antsy. I know it is a long process, and I am in the slush pile of most of those agencies because I have pretty much no connections, so they may never say anything at all. It'd be nice just to know, though, so I'm not wasting time waiting around and not querying at all. In the meantime, I've had a book idea since--scarily enough--2011 it seems, according to my files. And I was really excited to be working on something new that has been stuck in my head, especially since the other characters are out of my head space. But now these ones won't cooperate. I worry, partially, that because this second book (though it's looking like it may just not be the time for it to be written) is not YA, maybe that's why it's harder for me to deal with. I'm used to YA, and I know what I'm doing (maybe I don't, actually), but this adult stuff. Whew. I'm not a grown up. So that makes it even more difficult. Really, I know that I shouldn't think about genre because I should just write what speaks to me, but now that nothing is speaking, I'm not sure what to do. I started to say earlier up there somewhere, that when I wrote the first manuscript, the first book, it wasn't exactly fast, but I had momentum, a drive, to do it. And I had it with this second thing, but now it's gone. So ... now what?
I don't know what. I have quite a few ideas, and at the same time, I have none. Some writers work on short work for a while, but I'll be honest and say that short work is not my best--and for whatever reason, I find it difficult to think in terms of short stories anymore. I've tried, but I just can't seem to get big ideas out of my head. My track record with short stories is mediocre at best. Generally, they're forced and a bit strange. And now I'm thinking about genre again, even though I shouldn't. So I'm querying right now for a YA fiction book. I have 50 pages of an adult fiction book written. Then I have an idea for a creative non-fictional piece of work that has not been started. But I also have something like 50 pages of a piece of creative non-fiction that I've been giving some thought to as well. What the heck. I wish I could just nail something down and get going already. Alas, that doesn't seem to be the case. My head is all over the place, and it's not helping that I have a ton of projects going on at work right now that I can't actually finish at all--I just have to keep starting new ones, knowing that I am going to have to try to finish them all at the same time. I like to-do lists, and I really like to cross things off of them. And right now, nothing on any to-do list is crossed off, and it is making me anxious and irritated . So, while I am waiting for agent responses, lit mag responses on my one short story that I think is worth reading, and then a few other things, I can't seem to finish anything.
I have nothing that great to say right now. I'm feeling anxious, discouraged, restless, and impatient.
Will it matter when I'm dead? No.
I guess some of the trouble is that I am having some major self-doubt right now because my first manuscript is in the hands of an agent for maybe another few weeks. And some days I have a little hope, but most days I am very impatient and relatively certain it will be rejected. I haven't heard back at all from half of the agents I queried, and I am antsy. I know it is a long process, and I am in the slush pile of most of those agencies because I have pretty much no connections, so they may never say anything at all. It'd be nice just to know, though, so I'm not wasting time waiting around and not querying at all. In the meantime, I've had a book idea since--scarily enough--2011 it seems, according to my files. And I was really excited to be working on something new that has been stuck in my head, especially since the other characters are out of my head space. But now these ones won't cooperate. I worry, partially, that because this second book (though it's looking like it may just not be the time for it to be written) is not YA, maybe that's why it's harder for me to deal with. I'm used to YA, and I know what I'm doing (maybe I don't, actually), but this adult stuff. Whew. I'm not a grown up. So that makes it even more difficult. Really, I know that I shouldn't think about genre because I should just write what speaks to me, but now that nothing is speaking, I'm not sure what to do. I started to say earlier up there somewhere, that when I wrote the first manuscript, the first book, it wasn't exactly fast, but I had momentum, a drive, to do it. And I had it with this second thing, but now it's gone. So ... now what?
I don't know what. I have quite a few ideas, and at the same time, I have none. Some writers work on short work for a while, but I'll be honest and say that short work is not my best--and for whatever reason, I find it difficult to think in terms of short stories anymore. I've tried, but I just can't seem to get big ideas out of my head. My track record with short stories is mediocre at best. Generally, they're forced and a bit strange. And now I'm thinking about genre again, even though I shouldn't. So I'm querying right now for a YA fiction book. I have 50 pages of an adult fiction book written. Then I have an idea for a creative non-fictional piece of work that has not been started. But I also have something like 50 pages of a piece of creative non-fiction that I've been giving some thought to as well. What the heck. I wish I could just nail something down and get going already. Alas, that doesn't seem to be the case. My head is all over the place, and it's not helping that I have a ton of projects going on at work right now that I can't actually finish at all--I just have to keep starting new ones, knowing that I am going to have to try to finish them all at the same time. I like to-do lists, and I really like to cross things off of them. And right now, nothing on any to-do list is crossed off, and it is making me anxious and irritated . So, while I am waiting for agent responses, lit mag responses on my one short story that I think is worth reading, and then a few other things, I can't seem to finish anything.
I have nothing that great to say right now. I'm feeling anxious, discouraged, restless, and impatient.
Will it matter when I'm dead? No.
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